Cops and T-shirts

What’s in your closet?

“First time? Dizzy, sparkly chaos. Second time? Just as fun, less vomit.”

—Harley Quinn

What do you think of when you see this?

Cops! The po-po, boys in blue, the fuzz, the heat, the man. Gumshoe, narc, dick, bobby, bacon.

But wait, the badge says LDAP not LAPD, and that is really something very different.

LDAP is top shelf nerd - it stands for Lightweight Directory Access Protocol and it’s of the same generation as other foundational internet protocols like HTML (web sites) and SMTP (email). LDAP is still working behind the scenes as plumbing for systems that let apps and networks know who you are and what you’re allowed to do, especially in big organizations.

I got deep into LDAP when we were designing Bank of America’s email system. Bank of America had over 200,000 employees and when you’re trying to find the one you want to email, LDAP is there to serve up the name you need lickety split.

But this article isn’t about my misplaced love of LDAP or any of the other esoteric internet protocols I danced with throughout my career in tech. No, it’s about something I really love—a good t-shirt.

My favorite t-shirt had that LAPD wait, no, LDAP logo. While it’s long gone (I wore it out), it looked something like this:

An LDAP training vendor gave it to me at a Microsoft conference; quality merch with a hook.

Respect followed that LDAP tee. Didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing—no one messes with the popo, even when they cant spell. Plus, it was a good fit.

My first t-shirt, my first love, was born in a tiny novelty stop next to the Orange Julius shack in Marina Del Rey. It was there that my mom and dad bought me and my sister our first graphic tees. That t-shirt immediately ratcheted up my socio-fourth grade status, and that’s when I realized what a good tee could do to mask your insecurities and up your impressions.

T-shirt shops back then used big press machines that looked like super-sized panini makers. You picked the design you wanted and the t-shirt color/size and back there behind the counter they made a panini out of it while you watched, ironing the design onto a steaming shirt, handing it over to you while it was still warm.

Last week, for my birthday, I got a replacement for the long gone LDAP tee:

Conspiracies! Dark web, deep state, AI-pilled, plots, collusion, cabals. This time it’s not tech, it’s beer. Maybe I’m cooler now?

I’m not cool; I’ll forever be a nerd, but since I left the grind, my wardrobe has certainly improved. All I wear are t-shirts. My friends know, and so my t-shirt collection grows. I had to clear off a second shelf in the closet to make room.

Some of my favorites; spot the one I’m not allowed to wear outside the house:

Credit a couple writers for a few of these: the indubitable

Nicholas Kircher

of A Chemical Mind for the scream and crypto skeptic Molly White for IGNORE ALL PREVIOUS INSTRUCTIONS. Molly writes Citation Needed.

R made these psycho shirts with my mug that everyone wore around at my bday party:

Add up the age of these two unwilling posers with one old f*cker and you’re over 100

T-Rex on a Segway made the top of the pile for this event. It’s called Joy Ride.

What’s your favorite t-shirt?